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Cute for a thick girl

I chose to talk about this photo second because I am working/curating/commenting on these photos in order of my insecurites and interalizations – (especially now having been in isolation and thought for the last three months) ‚Cute for a thick girl‘ represents several issues for me: weight, body image and beauty.

Something that was always and never an issue for me has been my weight.  When I was young and thin, it was something I took for granted and something that I never wanted. I longed to be curvy and have large breasts, but when I became what I wanted, I felt that I was too fat and ugly to take pics. I realized too late that I don’t have pictures to show my children of me when I was young because I was ashamed of my body. Thats the internal issues – the external came later. In the states, there is a saying: ‚you can never be too rich or too thin‘, but alas, I am neither.

When I was younger, I married, had childeren and gained weight. It was part of the process of marriage. Staying at home, cooking, dealing with my husbands insecurities. This is all part of the external pressure – being fat or thick meant that no one would flirt with me and it meant less arguments with my husband. It made my homelife easier, but I never wanted to look in mirrors. It was all a apart of me losing myself.

After my divorce though, it became an issue. My weight was more of a deterrent, something to keep people, or rather men, away. When I realized that it made dating an issue, it became something that I had an issue with. When I would meet men online and in person, I would often hear that I was cute for a thick girl. Who wants to hear that shit?!?! Why not just cute? I am FUCKING cute, I am actually gorgeous, to be honest. Why is my weight, which has very little to do with my face, the qualifier here?

Why is weight so important in our culture, but also, why is it so important to me?

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